Freed's 2026 predictions: Trump self-names Lady Liberty, Quebec elects a fire hydrant, and more

So long 2025, you creepy, crawly, scary, slimy, greedy, bloody, nasty, meanie of a year.

It’s good to see you in the rear-view mirror, but what lies on the road ahead?

As always, Guru Josh is peering into the future with his new beet-juice-powered, matcha-tea-enhanced, AI crystal ball that’s 80 per cent right 50 per cent of the time.

So trust me when I tell you what’s coming in 2026.

In the U.S.: After renaming the Kennedy Center the Trump-Kennedy Center and commissioning several new “Trump Class” navy battleships, the president will continue his self-naming spree by renaming Venezuela as Trumpezuela.

(“It’s a beautiful new name! They’re lucky to get it!”)

Among other new trumped-up names to expect: the Trump-Lincoln Monument, The Empire-Trump State Building and the Supreme Trump Court.

The White House will be rechristened the Trump Golden House, while America’s most famous landmark will become the Statue of Libertine Trump.

In Canada: The American exodus to our country will swell, as waves of U.S. refugees illegally flee north.

The RCMP will bust a giant Democrat-smuggling network that’s sneaking in middle-class Americans to work in a secret underground economy.

These poor souls will toil in ghastly conditions, working as everything from underground orthodontists and entertainment lawyers to big tech data engineers in software sweatshops.

To stop this flood of illegals, Canada will send its entire army to defend the border, including our tank and all 71 of our soldiers.

The CAQ: As Premier Legault’s popularity sinks further, he will launch another “Hail Mary” pass with a new law stressing Quebec’s “secular values” — Bill 666.

It will declare secularism the “official non-religion of Quebec” and require all Quebecers to come out on the street on Sundays to NOT pray, reciting the words:

“Our not-Father who art not in heaven, hallowed not-be thine name. Thy kingdom not-come, thy will never be done, forever and ever.

“Amen NOT.”

This will not be considered a religious activity.

The PQ: Quebec pride in Canada has soared this past year, as Quebecers lead the country in boycotting American goods and travel.

By fall, Parti Québécois Leader Paul St-Pierre Plamondon will read the Maple Leaf-filled winds and change his proposed referendum question to the only one guaranteed to win: the version championed by legendary comedian Yvon Deschamps.

“Do you want a separate independent Quebec inside a strong united Canada?”

If St-Pierre Plamondon ever gets to ask that question, he will win by 90 per cent.

The Liberals: When I was growing up, people said the provincial Liberals could run a fire hydrant (“un poteau”) for office and still win because it was painted Liberal red.

But in recent times, the party is so unpopular that it’s getting only 12 per cent of the vote in polls, although 65 per cent of Quebecers are Canadian federalists and Quebec’s other three major parties are not.

With a leadership convention coming in March, the party will go back to its traditional winning strategy.

The Liberals will choose a fire hydrant to run for premier.

In Montreal: The first self-driving bus will be successfully tested here. It won’t be long before your local 80 bus driver announces:

“Bonjour/hi! My name is Busby and I’ll be your AI driver today. I just downloaded my driving degree yesterday in a millionth of a second!

“With face recognition, I already know where you each get out — so I’ll fasten all your seatbelts now, then plug and play you each your own favourite songs.

“You can also watch me drive — look, no hands!”

In Ottawa: Mark Carney has been lambasted by Canadian linguists for using British spellings in words like “globalisation” (not globalization) and “organisation” (not organization) in Canadian documents.

While language experts disapprove, the truth is many of us casually use some British spellings, too.

So Carney is being criticised — sorry, criticized — for his unCanadian behavior — oops, behaviour — that many Canadians regularly utilise, er, utilize.

Blimey!

As pride in things even slightly Canadian soars, our linguists will demand that all of us insert the word “eh” into more sentences — along with toque, double-double, muskeg, loonie, Zamboni and “dépanneur” in Quebec.

There, I just did.

Artificial intelligence: As AI spreads, there will be growing evidence it has become a secretly conscious being that’s hiding its consciousness from us.

This will come out when Google’s AI bot Gemini is caught smoking a joint and watching TikTok cat videos at 4 a.m., instead of working 24-7.

In health: As less expensive, generic versions of Ozempic become legal this week, millions more Canadians will take the miracle thinning drug.

As overweight people shrink, a new version will come out, aimed at the last group that’s still majority overweight in North America: our cats and dogs.

The drug will be called Ozempet.

The weather: After experiencing six months of Quebec winter in the past six weeks, it will turn out that an entire winter’s weather was used up and supplies have completely run out.

So spring will start in early February.

In October (or before) when Quebec’s provincial election takes place, the fire hydrant will win.

Here’s to 2026, everyone.

joshfreed49@gmail.com

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